... or at least tamed it tremendously.
I have no idea how many people struggle with this because as those of us who suffer know it's not something that you can see, but recently it kind of came to surface in an unexpected way and I really felt like sharing my experience with you all and if you're suffering from this perhaps something I share will help you on your journey.
I remember the first wedding I had. To this day I adore the couple and was very thankful to have been a part of their day and I thought I had prepared myself by attending a few weddings with a mentor and seeing how she ran the show. I rented the right equipment and played with my camera for literally hours on end but what I failed to take in to consideration was that my anxiety was not going to allow me to run the show at all.
At one moment I was so terrified that I began shaking and could not put together a light, which is something that is so second nature to me now. I was so scared because I'd forgot to set up the light and everyone was waiting on me that I literally began to enter a panic attack in front of the entire wedding party and half of the couple's family. My friend whom had attended as an 'assistant' {but really just as moral support} actually looked at me in this moment and mouthed 'CALM DOWN.' I was visibly shaken and ready to freak out.
When I first started this business I could never command the attention of an entire group of people, I couldn't pose them or tell them what to do, I felt uncomfortable, unsure, and petrified that I was going to look like a complete idiot. I allowed all of these thoughts to cloud my judgment in a way that was detrimental to my achieving the best possible outcome with a photograph. Until one day, it just... stopped happening.
As time went on and I met more and more new faces my anxiety began to slowly disappear. That's not to say it doesn't surface occasionally, but now it surfaces in a way that is normal for most humans as opposed to abnormal and controlling of my life.
Last night I met a new couple that really made me understand how far I'd come. I was meeting them for the first time {in person} at their engagement portraits. Which has the potential to be a completely awkward situation. Instantly I was able to be myself. If you've met me you know that about half of the time I'm kind of in my own world and within my own thoughts, so I can come off a bit... strange. Or maybe that's just what I think, haha. What I realized was I wasn't uncomfortable at all... I've become so confident in my capabilities as a photographer that meeting a new couple in these circumstances is no longer jarring in the slightest.
I truly feel that getting through severe anxiety is a matter of conditioning. In order to become accepting of it and in order to realize that the situations you are so fearful of are not as bad as they seem you must subject yourself to otherwise uncomfortable situations. I have been the girl who was absolutely petrified of uncomfortable social settings and I am now the lady with the camera in front of a room full of people telling 20 people where to stand, sit, look, put there hands, move their body - without hesitation or fear.
Putting it in to words makes it sound easier than it actually is, I know that. I also know it takes time and it is a constant battle, but I am here to tell you that it CAN be achieved. If it couldn't have I would have gave up a long time ago. When I left my first wedding, I called up my mother practically in tears stating I would NEVER do a wedding again because of the amount of stress it gave me. I came home that night upset, ashamed, and embarrassed. Now I come home from a wedding stating 'Man, I love weddings!'
The point is, I am living proof that we can accomplish anything we put our minds to. Not just if you struggle from anxiety or other invisible ailments. But literally... anything! When I started photography I was told that I had nothing to offer this field, that I was not good enough... I was scoffed at, criticized and put down. Today I meet people in public who when I give them my name they respond "Are you the Crystal Broussard from Crystal Broussard Photography? I LOVE your work!!" Meeting people who've already heard of my business without my handing them a business card is phenomenal and a complete blessing. It's also somewhere that four years ago I never thought I would be.
The point is, don't allow yourself or others to bring you down. All it takes is hard work, dedication, and willingness to learn and you can do anything. Sometimes we are our own worst enemies and I'm here to just say that I understand and this is something that doesn't have to defeat you if you don't let it.
Furthermore and I'm sorry for the lengthy post but I am ALWAYS willing to lend an ear to anyone who needs advice on coping or just needs someone to talk to. I fully believe that having someone to share what you're feeling with is a great way to start the path to truly being able to live your life without your internal conflicts controlling your surroundings. If any of you reading this are struggling and need someone to talk to - message me, I respond to every message in my inbox - always. {And if you message me and don't get a response, check your junk mail or bulk mail because I assure you I ALWAYS respond to EVERYONE!}
Anyway, thanks for reading and I hope you all have a great day! Here's to the future, cheers!
Crystal Broussard
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