I will be home & that's why this is worth it.

And on a personal note - this is rare, but I just feel like expressing some of this ...

So tonight I receive a text message from my husband that read {in the PG 13 version}: "Your son just scared the *crap* out of me." So of course the vagueness has me going "Okay, well... why, what happened?!" Apparently my husband was throwing some laundry in the dryer {cause' he's one of those good guys you hear about} and suddenly he hears my child frantically screaming at the top of his lungs. He runs to his room only to find my son with his arm stuck between the bed and the wall panicking as he yells ''My arm is stuck and it won't come out.''

Now my little man may talk back, he may think he's king of the thrown, and wants to do everything on his own - but one thing he is not, is dramatic. He's a pretty mellow kid for the most part - he gets bent out of shape just like every five year old does, but he's not much a fit thrower nor one to cry at the drop of a dime {unlike his sibling sister who is drama central, haha.} So if that child is crying and screaming, you KNOW something is up. It made me sad that I've had to have news like this from text messages for many years, but knowing that soon - I will be home for these things, I will be able to comfort my child when he needs me and that is what will make this all worth it.

My children are both particularly attached to me, I personally feel it may be in part to the fact that I am the busier parent in our household. When my son was in school I would see him about 30 mins in the morning and about 3 mins after school Mon-Fri, on the weekends I would have to utilize a good deal of time to attend sessions, or events, and get caught up on any editing I couldn't get to during the week with working my other job. I spent all day with my daughter, so I was less concerned about how my absence would effect her - my son however, I felt a great deal of turmoil for as I can only imagine how a little mind sees a mother who is so busy. I was slowly becoming the type of parent I've incessantly proclaimed I will never be.

Before making this decision I was exceptionally unhappy with having to work odd hours that resulted in crankiness during the day after being up for typically 19-20 hours every day on between 4 & 5 hours of sleep - I was ... I am.. exhausted. I still had to manage keeping a good relationship with my clients by being readily available to talk during conditions which I was not prepared nor even remotely close to having the clarity I need to run a conversation and express things accurately. On a typical week I have spent between 80 & 100 hours working in one way or another, delete the hours in which I'd been able to accumulate sleep, and then you have the amount of time spent with my family - it doesn't leave much time.

One of the most important things to me, more important than making double my income every week, is having the opportunity to spend more time with my children and husband. I am hopeful that this will create a calmer atmosphere in my household. That my children will be less inclined to misbehave having their mother more present in their home. The foundation of a good home comes from a good family. In my opinion, there is nothing more important than family - not work, nor money. A lot of things will be coming to change in a very short period of time. I'm still preparing and worrying, concerned if I've made the right decision, ultimately my conclusion has consistently been that this IS the right thing.  ....is it going to be tough? At times, I'm sure it will be. But, I am hopeful that this is the correct path to happiness within myself and within my home.

One thing I have kept to myself and have considered whether or not I should share was that I was on the verge of giving up my career as a photographer because I mistakenly failed to see my abilities as a photographer. I felt more safe with a stable income as opposed to jumping in to something that could potentially be fairly inconsistent. However I was also losing a battle with depression, and I am a firm believer in finding a means to happiness without the use of professional help {unless absolutely necessary}. I knew that choosing to give up my dream for some job that in the wide scheme of things does not see me as a person nor even significant as I was/am not irreplaceable. Why would I give up the thing I love for that and face the possibility of driving myself deeper in to a depressed state? So I finally woke up and said .... ''You know what, I can do this... '' and here I am today, happier and grateful.

I know there are plenty of people out there incessantly stating they wish they could do this too, but they "can't". I know from personal experience that there is nothing you cannot do.... but you must be willing to sacrifice and to work hard. You will need to put up your time, your happiness, your hard earned money, blood, sweat and tears - going after what you want for your life and for your family is not always a clear cut opportunity, it takes A LOT of work. But I for one know that it does pay off, and you must lose the fear of venturing in to the unknown else things may consistently stay the same.

This has been one of the single biggest decisions of my life, and as my days become closer to being numbered at my current full-time job my happiness has steadily began to increase. On days when I am exhausted and my children are being the highly demanding young tykes that they are, I'm able to be more conscious of their needs... and I am able to see that soon this won't be so tiring, I can be the mother I want to be for my children and that I feel they need. ....Our children are a product of our environment and my opinion is that this system of over working parents is driving the quality of a good family in to the ground... I've chosen to do whatever it takes to never see that happen in my household and no matter what happens, knowing that this will be better for my children is what makes it all worth it.